


Finally I've Gone

by Shyrianz



Category: My Chemical Romance, Original Work
Genre: Blood, Death, Gen, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-10
Updated: 2014-09-10
Packaged: 2018-02-16 22:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2286321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shyrianz/pseuds/Shyrianz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>An original work based on My Chemical Romance songs.</p><p>Not in the one bit scared of death, what happens when Azhara attempts suicide again? What will she discover?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Finally I've Gone

My life might be messed up, or it might not be. It depends on the way you view it. In all honest I view my life as if it's a toy that I don't really want. I throw it about and don't really care if it gets hurt or broken. I don't really want to be here. It's as if I don't even serve a purpose. No purpose at all. Everyone else has a purpose in life, whether that be re-populate the earth, become rich and famous or even to just breathe. I don't need any of that. I don't serve that. I don't even know the reason I'm here. I always believed in Death. I believe him as a person, planning my every waking moment. He picks the right time for me to fall and when it comes there is no preventing it. I might not even know. I believe my life has been planned since I was born. Every decision I've made was planned before I knew it. I know that everything happens for a reason. Death and life (in my opinion) can sometimes mess up. I believe that they made a mistake with me, bringing me into the world. What's the point of me being here if I'm not meant to do anything?  
My life is also really boring. It sucks to be honest. All I do is eat, sleep, cry and poop. Over and over again. Bit like a child. There is the occasional time where I am forced to be with society for a day, but I usually just put my earphones in and avoid all contact with human beings. The only things I talk to is my diary and my brother, it isn't much of a diary it's more a log of my feelings and mood. It doesn't talk back as it is an inanimate object but I feel it understands me. It completes me, if I didn't have it with me I would be lost and probably fall of the face of this earth completely. Forever. Never seeing the light of day. I sound a bit morbid and depressed but I'm honestly not. At least I don't think I am. I just don't have much value for my life. I value others though. I wouldn't hurt a fly. They deserve to have their own choice upon their OWN life. If someone wants to take their own life I don't mind, but don't take someone else’s without their permission first. In my opinion if someone was unhappy in any way I would want them to make themselves happy without being brought back down.   
My brother is the total opposite to me. He laughs and squeals and he's a general happy bunny. I couldn't ask for a better brother though. It's nice to have a mood changer once in a while. I try my hardest to smile while he's around, I don't want to drag him down. I want to keep him the same while he's still young. When I say young he's about 13, he looks about 8 though. He hasn't really changed since his car accident 5 years ago. I'm still holding onto that memory. It will haunt me forever.  
Sam, Me and my mother had been involved in a car accident. My mother escaped with very minor injuries, just a broken toe. My brother however had a broken spine. I suffered severe head injuries. I was hallucinating for days. I kept seeing death upon my bedside. I didn't mind seeing him, I'm not scared of dying. I just wished had taken me away for good then. It was torture knowing that I was going survive, watching my family drift apart from this. My dad left us with very little money, he said it was because he didn't want to be around a broken family. What a father he is! My mother went into a nervous breakdown and kept crying every time she walked into my room. She hasn't spoke to me ever since that accident. As if it as my fault. It wasn't though, back then I was happier, only slightly. The only person in my family who talk to me is Sam. At first he was a bit unsure whether to talk to me after the accident. As if mother had told him to stay away or something, but now he is the same brother I remember.   
I haven't had a social life since the accident, but I don't mind. I have music to put me through the day. I'm 21 now and still at home, it's as if I can't bear to leave my mother like this. I know she can't help it and I know that this isn't her fault, but I feel she needs to get a grip. It's been 5 years since dad left, she needs to realise he's not coming back. I mean he could but what are the chances? 

I haven't changed anything about me since that day. I still feel pain even though I supposedly messed up nerve endings. I still have the same hair colour and the same sets of clothes. I still have the scars on my wrist. I definitely still have the memory. I mean, I never want to go back, but I feel like I'm still living that memory. I probably always will.  
I never went to college, I was busy at home trying to get my mum to talk to me. She never did. I never had a love life. I never had a friendship group. I've never had sleepovers.I didn’t even go back to school. I have hardly left he house in the last 5 years. I never went to a mosh pit. I never kissed a boy. I never got lost on the road. I never learnt to drive. I never did anything that a normal teenager does. In fact I never will. I  
Whenever I can't cope anymore I cut myself. I strip down to my underpants while in front of a mirror and I slide a blade through parts of my body. I enjoy watching the blood stream down my arms and legs and torso. I have some pretty nasty scars from when I over judged the deepness of the cut, but I enjoy it. It sounds stupid and it is. I do it to release all the pain and anger I have kept inside. I imagine the blood my memories slowly running away, forgetting most of my past. It is extremely painful though, when I'm doing it, I don't feel it. It's afterwards that I do.   
My mind sometimes clouds with too much memories and pain. I'm aching from the scars and I just need extra relief. Enough to make me stable. I had an idea.

I had decided right there and then to take my life. I had some leftover vodka and a lot of pills. I swigged the bottle with the pills and waited for the effects to kick in. If this didn't work I had a backup plan. Cut really deep. My eyes closed slowly and I drifted away.

My eyes opened and shut quickly. They started to burn with the bright light gazing straight into it. I rubbed them before slowly opening them. I wasn't dead. Or at least I didn't think I was. I stood up quickly before falling back over, banging my head on my bed. The effects of the hangover were staring to kick in and my body was numb from the painkillers. I raised my heavy head back off the floor before vomiting everywhere. My stomach empty and I sat up. I blinked a few times before regaining full balance and I stood up. I had to hold myself up briefly controlling my banging head. Before staggering off to the bathroom. I could hear faintly from my brother’s room Cemetery Drive playing. I wipe my face slowly before splashing it vigorously with cold water from the bathroom sink. As soon as I did I went faint and I collapsed. My knees when weak and I couldn't stand up. It was so coincidental that at the same time the song sang " I see you lying on the bathroom floor" I felt as if this moment was planned by death himself and he got ready to reap me into non-existence. I knew that it meant something. What that something was, I did not know. I just knew that any day I was ready to die. I'd say something to my mother but it’s not like she'd notice I was gone. I wanted to talk to Sam though. I just couldn't move. My head fell back hard into the side of the bath and I was knocked unconscious. It wasn't painful. I was numb.

I regained consciousness at about 3pm when my brother walked in with a worried look upon his face.  
"Azhara wake up."   
He was calling me by my full name and I was taken by surprise. I blinked slightly for a few minutes and eventually opened my eyes.  
I stared right into his glossy green eyes that he inherited from his father. He stared right back.  
I tried to mutter a what, but my mouth wouldn't open. It felt as if it had been glued shut.  
"You've been in here for well over 6 hours, I was worried you'd disappeared again."  
I swallowed hard, I didn't know what he meant by 'Again' so I just went along with it. I nodded and pointed to my throat.   
Sam nodded and a tear streamed down his face. I didn't know what the matter was with him, but I knew something wasn't right. Something was never right.  
"You tried to kill yourself, didn't you?" He asked.  
I just nodded and cried with him, it was if he knew something I didn't and wasn't telling me.  
"That's not going to work Ash... You know that..."   
I didn't know that. It was a problem that I had to overcome. I'd tried many of times and failed miserably. Why wasn't my time ready? I wanted to just hug Sam and never let him go, I just couldn't move. He never moved any closer that a few inch away, wiping the sick off the floor. I felt bad for him. He was only 13 and he had a messed up family that couldn't live properly. It wasn't fair on him. Nothing would ever be fair on him while I was still here. He was trying to help me while I was making him worse.   
“I love you Ash, but you have to realise this isn't going to work again. You need to accept that."   
I guess he was right. I had to wait. I already felt dead anyway so what was the point in making that true?   
"If you ever decide to go, tell me. I want to say my final goodbye."   
I must be going crazy because I can't understand what he was trying to get at. I've always wanted to go and he knew that. I don't plan the attempts they just overwhelm me. He knew that. My head started to hurt from all the thinking. That’s when unconsciousness hit me again.

 

I awoke this time in a random place. Well it wasn't exactly random, it was like Deja vú. It was dark, murky and covered in fog. I was laid completely still in soil. Dirt was covering my toes and fingers. A wet trickle of blood I felt running down my arm, the scars had started to bleed again. It was quite warm which surprised me. I opened my eyes easily this time and I knew that I was 'hung-over' anymore. I felt as normal as possible, apart from the fact I was in a completely new environment. However this wasn't an exactly new environment. I'd been here before. I sit up straight looking at my surroundings. I was definitely in a graveyard, with the gates swinging slowly from the wind or some other creature.   
Since the last time I was here the only thing that had changed was an extra grave...   
The last time I was here I was hallucinating. So I must be again.   
My previous experience included looking around the graves, I saw all the grave most of them people I knew who had died and Ex-family members.   
I stood up and headed towards the new grave. It looked fairly new but it had some moss on it. I braced myself for the worst - someone like my dad or my mum. I was mistaken... It was no family member, it was no friend. In fact it was a lot further away than that. It was me. My name - Azhara Carter - was engraved on the dark stone. I read the epitaph "Dearly missed by all family - Born April 1992. Died 14 June 2008."  
I couldn't breathe properly. My eyes started to water and memories flooded back. The day of the accident was 12 June 2008. If this wasn't a dream and was 'real' it meant I died in hospital 2 days before my dad left. If that's the case, how did I know about him leaving?   
It wasn't real though. I expected to die, but I would have known about it. I wouldn't have lived 5 years avoiding contact to know I was dead. I knew I wasn't dead, I talk to Sam. He would have known if I was dead. He can't be dead either his grave isn't here. I'd have known too. My brain was flooding with emotions and with pain. I couldn't believe what I was seeing. I shouldn't have took those pills if this was the side effects. This is some sick joke on deaths part. Why am I still able to feel pain? Why am I still able to touch things? Why am I still on earth? I expected death to come for me and take me away into non-existence. I didn't expect this. I don't need to expect this, it's not real.

 

I cry for hours and hours trying to process the single word 'died'. I close my eyes and drift off into sleep. Hopefully this will be my last sleep. I was wrong. I awoke startled still laying on the bathroom floor. Sam curled up beside me, he must have been really worried. I lay there for a while staring at my brother. I loved him too much to let him go, but I knew I had to leave one of these day. I don't know how or when but it would happen. He knew that too. That must've been what he meant by "If you ever decide to go, tell me. I want to say my final goodbye." I will tell him. If I knew when it was going to happen. I might have no clues about it.  
In the movies people say that you are still alive after death, you have some unfinished business to do. If I can figure out that business then maybe I can finally leave my family alone and rest for eternity. I shuffle slightly to get a little more comfortable. I must've startled Sam as he stirred away beneath my arms.   
"Ash? You still here?" Sam asked sleepily.  
"I am baby, I'm not leaving just yet."  
"Will you tell me when you go, I don't think I could bear to lose you."  
"If I know when I'm leaving I will."  
"Thanks Ash."   
I stare around for a little, seeing that there was a crack where I hit my head in the bath. It was a few minutes later when I actually talked again.  
"What was my funeral like?"   
He looked up at me raising an eyebrow.   
"It was really pretty, flowers everywhere and everything dark just how you imagined it."  
I smiled at him before wiping the tears off his face.  
"How did mum cope with my death?"  
"She didn't. That's why she broke down. After dad left she started to drown herself in alcohol. I guess now you know why she broke down every time she went into your room." He sobbed.  
Tears streamed down my face too, I felt bad that I had forced my family into depression. I'd forced hell upon my family and my beloved brother. I've made things worse for Sam by still being here. Leaving me now must be a lot harder.  
"I didn't even know I was dead, Sam." I said while running my fingers through his hair that was carefully placed upon my chest.   
"I know you didn't but I didn't want to break the news to you, but I'm the only one who can see you. That I know of at least."  
I already knew that though. It made sense how my mother ignored me for 5 years straight. How Sam was shocked to see me at first, how dad left out 'broken' family. It wasn't just broken, it was in pieces. Like it had been run through a shredder. It started to dawn on me that I was the one who put it through the shredder. It was starting to piece together. I needed to get out the house first, I was going to pay a visit to my dad. Whether he could see me or not did not matter. I was going to make him see sense.

It was a 10 minute walk so I didn't bother putting my headphones in. I didn't put a hood up either because I knew that most people couldn't see me. I knew that I shouldn't care anymore. I arrived at the beautiful house he now lived at and I knocked. I knew he probably wouldn't see me, but it was worth a shot. He opened the door. He still had his black septum piercing in that didn't suit him. He had dark black hair and green eyes. As soon as he saw me his mouth dropped. His stubble hardly shuffling though. He could see me.  
"Dad..." I started.  
"What creepy trick is this?! You're dead."  
"Dad..." I started again.   
"Who are you impersonating my daughter."   
"DAD!!!! Listen to me." I shouted.  
He looked around and he gestured his hand for me to follow him into his house.  
His decor inside was magnificent. It truly was incredible. From the antique vases to the modern fireplace, it was all mix matched but it suited my dad’s personality very well. I headed down the oak hallway before reaching what seemed like a sitting room. The cream sofas matched the colour of the walls and the decor matched the wooden floor. It was very different style and I liked it.  
He just stared at me, mouth open.  
"So what do you want? Are you here to haunt me?" He asked stubbornly.  
"I know I'm dead. I've just found out after 5 years. Mum can't see me but Sam can. She's broken Dad. I need you to see her as my final wish." I asked softly, trying very carefully not to offend my dad.   
"How do I know you're really Azhara and not some creepy magician?"  
"Because I wouldn't ask this favour of you. Sam needs a parent. And whether that be you or mum I need someone there for him, and both of you aren't." My eyes started to fill with tears at this moment, all I asked for was a parent for my dear brother who I was going to leave shortly. I couldn't bear to see him alone.   
We sat in complete silence for about 10 minutes as my eyes scaled the room. He left us for everything and left us with nothing. What a father he was. He deserved father of the year.  
I didn't know if getting my dad back would work and whether I would be finally set free. I knew though, that it meant something that he could see me. Clearly this was planned by death himself. I could hear a faint voice (not of my own) in the back off my head speaking. Saying something about being correct? Whether I was going crazy or death was speaking to me. I did not know. All I knew is that I had been living in the shadows for 5 years instead of doing my duty. I felt so guilty that I could've done something sooner. Something to help my deteriorating family.   
"Azhara? Why do you think I left in the first place?" He asked me.  
All I could think of was that he did it to mess up Sam and my mother’s life. He just didn't care anymore. His eyes were all puffy as if he'd just had a smoke of weed. He probably had, he seemed to have lost it. He know looked like he was trying to be a 17 year old chav.   
"As you said, you said we were messed up and broken."  
He just stared in disbelief. I knew I shouldn't have overheard that conversation but I had. As if everything had been planned out for me. I've always believed that things happen for a reason. The only thing that was by accident was me. I wasn't supposed to be here. I was supposed to be dead. I wished I was.  
"Yes. I left because I couldn't bear to leave you. You'd gone too early."   
"I'd have gone anyway, you knew dad." I said.  
I just wanted to go home, wipe away my troubles through cuts. Though I knew if I did this it would go.  
"Okay. I'll do this. For Sam only." He said quickly.  
Wow. That was easier than expected. Thank you death, I owe you.  
"Thank you so much.” I replied.  
"No need to thank me, I've missed you all so much."

 

We headed home and as I opened the door my mums eyes widened.  
"Chris? Is that you?" She shouted across the hall way. They hugged briefly before heading toward the sitting room to talk. At least that’s what I expected. I walked out of the Hall to find Sam. He was in his room listening to 'The light behind your eyes.' As if death had prepared this again. He was a sneaky bugger. I walked into his room as I prepared to say goodbye. My final words.  
The song was playing so I pulled Sam in closer and sung with the song.   
"If I could be with you tonight. I would sing you to sleep. Never let them take the light behind your eyes. One day I'll lose this fight. As we fade in the dark, just remember you will always burn as bright,"  
I was on my knees at this point swallowing hard as I held Sam's hand. Tears were streaming down his face.  
"Be strong and hold my hand, Time becomes for us you'll understand. We'll say goodbye today, and we're sorry how it ends this way. If you promise not to cry. Then I'll tell you just what I say if I. Could be with you tonight, I would sing you to sleep. Never let then take the light behind your eyes. I'll fail and lose this fight. Never fade in the dark, just remember you will always burn as bright. The light behind your eyes."  
He sobbed hard and he held me tight.   
"Sometimes we must grow stronger and, you can't be stronger in the dark, when I’m here, No longer, you must be stronger and if I could be with you tonight I would sing you to sleep, never let them take the light behind your eyes."

I stood up and paused the music and stared him in the eyes. I wanted to never leave. I knew that I would be scarring the child for the rest of his life. As he was usually happy he needed to stay that way.

"Sam, as the song says 'You can't be stronger in the dark' I want you to remember no matter how bad it seems, I'm still here and you can't be strong if you’re in the dark. That goes for me too. I can't be stronger if I'm living in the shadow of guilt cast upon me from the day I died. I need to escape and be free and to do that I need to let go. I just want you to know, I will never let anyone take the light from behind your eyes. You will always burn bright. Keep running. I love you, Sam."   
I knew that was going to be my final words, my famous last words. I could feel myself being freed right there. I could feel myself being lifted from the weight of my body. I could feel a smile crack upon my face. I would always be here. This is my home. I just wouldn't be seen in here. I close my eyes as I slowly step back. 

“I love you too Ash. I'll miss you." 

That's when everything faded into black and I was greeted by a door with death standing by the side opening it. I walk towards it and waving back before I entered it. Death smiled and nodded before sending me into the eternal nothingness. I was finally free from everything. I was finally gone. I was dead.

 

Fin.

 

So long to all my friends  
Everyone of them met tragic ends  
with every passing day  
I'd be lying if I didn't say  
That I miss them all tonight.  
And if they only knew what I would say if I  
could be with you tonight  
I would sing you to sleep  
Never let them take the light behind your eyes  
One day I'll lose this fight,  
As we fade in the dark  
Just remember you will always burn as bright.  
Be strong and hold my hand  
time becomes for us you'll understand  
We'll say goodbye today  
And I'm sorry how it ends this way  
If you promise not to cry,  
I will tell you just what I would say if I  
could be with you tonight,  
I would sing you to sleep  
never let them take the light behind your eys  
I'll fail and lose this fight  
never fade in the dark  
Just remember you will always burn as bright.  
The light behind your eyes.  
The light behind your...  
Sometimes we must,  
grow stronger and,  
you can't be stronger in the dark.   
When I'm here,   
no longer,   
you must be stronger and if I  
Could be with you tonight  
I will sing you to sleep  
never let them take the light behind your eyes.  
I failled and lost this fight   
never fade in the dark  
Just remember you will always burn as bright.  
The light behind your eyes.  
The light behind your eyes.  
the light behind your eyes.  
The light behind your eyes.  
The light behind your eyes.  
The light behind your eyes.  
the light behind your eyes.  
the light behind your.... 

\---- My Chemical Romance - The Light Behind Your Eyes.

This one is all about dreams.

Well I was there on the day   
we sold the cause for the queen   
and when the lights all went out we watch ourlife on tv  
I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene.  
It was the roar of the crowd that gave me heartache to sing,  
it was a lie when they smiled and said you wont feel a thing.  
and as we ran from the cops, we laugh so hard it would sting.  
If I'm so wrong  
(So wrong, so wrong)  
How can you listen all night long?  
(Night long, night long)  
Now will it matter after I'm gone?  
Because you never learned a goddamned thing  
You're just a sad song with nothing to say  
I better live long wait for a hospital stay  
And if you think that I'm wrong  
This never meant nothing to you  
I spent my high school career  
Spit on and shoved to agree  
So I could watch all my heroes  
Sell a car on TV  
Bring out the old guillotine  
We'll show 'em what we all mean  
Yeah yeah, oh  
If I'm so wrong  
(So wrong, so wrong)  
How can you listen all night long?  
(Night long, night long)  
Now will it matter long after I'm gone?  
Because you never learned a goddamned thing  
You're just a sad song with nothing to say  
I better live long wait for a hospital stay  
And if you think that I'm wrong  
This never meant nothing to you  
So go, go away, just go, run away  
But where did you run to?  
And where did you hide?  
Go find another way  
Price you pay  
Woah, woah, woah, woah, woah, woah  
You're just a sad song with nothing to say  
I better live long wait for a hospital stay  
And if you think that I'm wrong  
This never meant nothing to you, come on  
You're just a sad song with nothing to say  
I better live long wait for a hospital stay  
And if you think that I'm wrong  
This never meant nothing to you  
At all, at all, at all, at all   
\- My Chemical Romance - Disenchanted.

**Author's Note:**

> Azhara is pronounced Ash - Arr - Ah.  
> Originally posted on WattPad Last Year.


End file.
